You’re a bit weird (which is completely normal)
Humans are naturally evolved to form judgements incredibly rapidly. That’s useful where quick decision-making contributes to avoiding death on the savannah; less so in the modern world.
I think most of the repulsive aspects of human cognition are borne out of a lack of awareness of the way our thinking machinery works, and this article hopes to shed at least a little light on but one of the many ways we reach sub-optimal (and occasionally truly horrendous) conclusions by trusting our natural heuristics without question.
One of the most fundamentally consistent patterns in the universe is normal distribution. Anyone who’s taken an entry-level stats class will be familiar with the concept.
Of course, a normal distribution curve looks like this:
63% of the results fall within one standard deviation of the mean.
95% will be within two standard deviations:
And 99.7% will be within three.
Basically all aspects of human variation that matter to us fit the normal distribution curve:
Height
Weight
Intelligence
Lifespan
I’ve listed just a few things so far (most of which are fairly easily quantified, even if there is some debate about the validity of IQ tests) but I think it’s fair to say that just about everything about people could be modelled with normal distribution if the data were somehow attainable.
Compassion
Humour
Charisma
Kindness
Creativity
Work ethic
Propensity for mental illness
All of these attributes are difficult or impossible to measure, but if they coul dbe measured, humans would almost certainly exhibit normal distribution across all of them.
In basically all the ways in which people can vary from each other, we do so following the normal distribution curve, which produces a fact which I think is especially important:
As you meet more and more people, the likelihood that you will meet someone who is on the extreme end of one or more of these normal distribution curves rises towards 100%.
If you meet 1, or 5, or even 20 people, the likelihood that one of them is really tall is pretty small. But once you widen the pool to 100, or 200, or 300 people, the likelihood that at least one person will be really, seriously incredibly tall approaches a near certainty.
And that’s normal.
Normal distribution curves predict (in fact, they basically guarantee) the existence of individuals at the far ends of the spectrum. That’s normal.
It’s normal that in a large enough group of people, someone will be really tall. It’s equally normal that someone will be really short.
I’m on about the 13th percentile for height of men my age, and that’s normal. I’m on about the 2nd percentile for weight of men my age, and that’s normal. If you meet 100 adult men I’m probably going to be among the lightest few, and that’s completely normal.
If you know someone who is currently depressed, that’s completely normal.
If you know someone who is incredibly unkind, that’s completely normal.
If you know someone who has ADHD and struggles to focus, that’s completely normal.
If you know someone who is desperately uncoordinated and couldn’t throw and catch a ball to save their life, that’s completely normal.
If you know someone who is amazingly charismatic, that’s completely normal.
If you know someone who is disabled, that’s completely normal.
Whether the trait about which someone is an outlier is on its face a ‘good’ trait or a ‘bad’ trait, the fact that they exhibit a characteristic that is far from the mean is not at all unexpected! Normal distributions tell us to expect outliers. They are a normal feature of the world.
Grasping this fact was something of an epiphanic realisation for me. It helps me to engage much greater compassion, understanding, gratitude and humility when those are useful.
I’m far more compassionate to those who have been unlucky on one of these dimensions, because I realise it’s not their fault. I don’t think anyone chooses to be born with a genetic disorder or other disability.
I’m far more understanding of those that exhibit negative characteristics that directly effect me, because I realise in some sense that it’s not their fault either. I don’t think anyone seeks to be a person with a really short temper, for example, but normal distributions guarantee that someone out there is going to be short tempered! By being understanding of that, I no longer have to feel like I was the reason they were being short-tempered. It’s no longer about me.
I have far more gratitude for the ways in which I’m lucky. I might be shortish and very skinny, but I’m extremely healthy and still a pretty a fast runner, so where my body is below the mean on some dimensions, it’s above the curve on others and I am extremely grateful for those.
Finally, I think this realisation makes me more humble. Any of the ways that I am exceptional are, in a sense, a statistical fluke. I don’t need to inflate my ego by claiming credit for them; instead, I can thank the universe for what gifts I was given and hope to apply them in ways that benefit others.
I don’t think many people have grasped the benefit of this mindset yet, but… well, that’s completely normal I guess.